Optimism Can Save the World

I was going back and forth with a friend the other day about big choices and taking risks.  He mentioned a Charlie Rose interview with the #1 Chess Player in the world, Magnus Carlsen.  Magnus is 22.  

He said that Magnus says he beats opponents who are just as skilled as he is because they fear threats that do not  exist.  To win, he believes, you must be an optimist.  

And in that moment, all I could see was Gatsby floating in his pool, along with his "incorruptible hope."  Doesn't being an optimist make you a fool?  Isn't that what everyone says?  That to always look on the bright side and see silver linings and look for the good in everyone and constantly be Miss Merry Sunshine all the time - aren't you a target of pity and ridicule rather than the #1 Chess Player in the world?  Aren't you someone whom people just take advantage of?  

(li'l Magnus)

Maybe there's another piece - in the interview Magnus talked about how spectacularly disastrous it was when he first started harnessing that optimism.   He lost a lot and in a grand fashion as his over-confidence wasn't matched with the strength of his playing skill.  As time passed, his skill began to match his optimism.  And instead of putting out the fire of his talent with fear and pessimism, he stoked it with opportunities and optimism. 

 "That's my belief.  That I can beat him.  Otherwise there wouldn't be any point in me playing the match."

What was interesting is in the comments - why I still read comments is beyond me - everyone wasn't talking about how great this kid is, how grounded he impossibly seems or what he's doing for the game of chess.  They talked about his arrogance.  Measuring it.  Was he humble and arrogant or just plain arrogant?  The threats of crashing and burning, the joy at watching this kid fall from dizzying heights.  Once again, we're back to people believing someone is too high and mighty and missing the joy of watching someone amazing do what they're good at it - what they were born to do.  

How much of this is entangled in our need to hide our collective lights under whatever bushel is most convenient?  Do we not want to come off as arrogant, just because we're confident that the match is ours? How many times have we been maligned for just being good at something?  

Uncomfortable with the prospect of continuing to hide my light under a bushel, I started thinking a lot about what Magnus said: Optimism is the true force behind success.  Because, like he said, "if you're not optimistic, if you're not looking for your chances, you're going to miss opportunities."  

Life can dole it out when it wants to.  It can make us feel as unspecial and invisible as we sometimes fear we are.  But, what if we switched that paradigm using Magnus' words?  

Are we missing our chances and losing the match not because of our talent or skill, but because we're fearing threats that don't exist?  

Because, we are not invisible and each one of us is breathtakingly special.  

What if we embraced that? What if we center our pieces on their squares, move that pawn out two spaces and set out to take control of the center of the board with the unchallenged thought that we will win?      

And in letting our light shine, we make a promise to stop reading the comments of those who couldn't make the climb. 

The Science of Mean Girling

I was watching Call the Midwife the other day (as you do) and one of the episode's threads was about this pregnant woman who was perceived by the other local women to be conceited.  When the "conceited" woman's baby was born with spina bifida, one of the local women said, "not so high and mighty now, eh?"  

And I thought... that's it.  That's the root of Mean Girling.

The list of Hollywood's 20 Most Hated Celebrities came out and the top 3 - Gwyneth Paltrow, Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lopez - were a) women and b) women whose main "defect" is being perceived as someone who believes themselves to be high and mighty.  Above everyone else - because of an insane set of health standards and penchant for $4000 cashmere hankies or a ridiculous concert rider or a slumping, teenagery angst that just annoys everyone.  I get it.

But, just for comparison?  Chris Brown came in 20th.

Here's my concern, people hate Gwyneth Paltrow more than Chris Brown - a man who beat his girlfriend.

Why?

The first round of understanding Mean Girling starts with figuring out what it is about these people that sets us off. Sure, people rub us the wrong way and to each his own, but... come on.  All of these flaws we're heaping onto these women - would they bother you if a man did it?  Are you saying Anne Hathaway's (#9 on the list, btdubs) nerdy, forced ease with awards season is worthy of a legion of Hathahaters, but Adrien Brody (not on the list at all) can steal an epic kiss from Halle Berry without her permission and still be adorable?

(Really look at Halle Berry's face here.)

As far as Gwyneth goes, there's a part of me that feels like we, as an audience, just don't want to know how sausage is made, if you know what I mean.  We don't really want to know what goes into actresses having to look the way they do.  I mean, it's not a coincidence that up until very recently we all bought the party line that actresses lost their baby weight by "chasing the baby" and that up until then they "ate cheeseburgers all the time!"  So, is Gwyneth Paltrow going on and on about Clean eating and juice cleanses and GOOP this and the Tracey Anderson Method that bug us simply because we liked thinking that there was an effortlessness to having those bodies? An effortlessness which made us think they were attainable?  Is the reality of looking like Gwyneth Paltrow bumming us out and do we blame her for making us see how hard it is to attain that level of perfection?

I got another piece of this puzzle today when I read the Publisher's Weekly interview with Claire Messud.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with Nora, would you? Her outlook is almost unbearably grim.

For heaven’s sake, what kind of question is that? Would you want to be friends with Humbert Humbert? Would you want to be friends with Mickey Sabbath? Saleem Sinai? Hamlet? Krapp? Oedipus? Oscar Wao? Antigone? Raskolnikov? Any of the characters in The Corrections? Any of the characters in Infinite Jest? Any of the characters in anything Pynchon has ever written? Or Martin Amis? Or Orhan Pamuk? Or Alice Munro, for that matter? If you’re reading to find friends, you’re in deep trouble. We read to find life, in all its possibilities. The relevant question isn’t “is this a potential friend for me?” but “is this character alive?” 

Then this was me for 30 minutes after:

Why does Nora need to be worthy of your friendship?  And there's no way this interviewer (a woman) would have asked that question of a male writer or even expected that relationship with one of his characters.  So, is part of this the expectation that these "hated" women should be relatable and owe us  some kind of friendship - beyond their talent and work ethic and charitable donations and and and and and... Or is it simply that we think people with money don't have the right to complain about anything.   

I mean, the next time you're standing in line at the grocery store just scan the magazines - it's all Mean Girl Bait - who is gaining weight, who has been caught without their make-up, who has cellulite, whose man is cheating, who is lonely and binging, whose marriage is on the rocks and on and on...

I've never forgotten this talk I went to with this fantastic psychologist who specialized in teenaged girls (god bless her).  And she said that the first way women bond is by having things in common. But, if that doesn't work, the second thing women will do to bond is gossip about another woman.  That way, the thing they have in common is this target and there's really no heavy lifting involved.  It's not like you have to go out on a limb or be vulnerable with someone if all you're going to do is insult someone else and laugh about it. 

Because all this stuff?  Isn't about Gwyneth Paltrow or that woman in the office you gossip about.  Mean Girling is about us and why we feel insignificant.  It's about our fear that we're less than or that someone else is getting something that we feel they don't deserve (and usually we feel under-appreciated).  It's our own fear of being left behind or that we are somehow flawed. 

If we're happy and healthy in our own lives we don't have to make other people feel bad about themselves.  

I love this quote by the fantastic Brene Brown:  

We have to be the women we want our daughters to be. 

Last Meals and Knowing What Matters

When I first sat down to write Nowhere but Home I scrawled, “What would your last meal be?” on a Post-It and absent-mindedly stuck to a lamp on my desk. I knew the answer to this question was at the heart of the novel I was just beginning.

            Nowhere but Home is about Queenie Wake, a failed chef who must return home to North Star, Texas after being fired.  Again.  Five generations of Wakes in the dirt of North Star and every last one of them has been good for nothing. 

            Except cooking.

            With no options, Queenie must take a job making last meals for the death row inmates at a nearby prison until she can find a way to get out of North Star.  And stay out.

            At the beginning of the novel, Queenie has no idea what her last meal would be.  Neither did I.  I began concocting elaborate fantasies of food I thought I should indulge in during my last minutes on this earth.  But, as I listed and dreamt of other people’s idea of what “good food” meant I just felt hollow. 

            Knowing what my last meal would be would mean I finally understand what matters.  And once I knew this myself, I knew what Queenie’s journey was going to be throughout Nowhere but Home:  Figuring out what matters. 

            What I came to learn was that in thinking about my death, I had to explore how I’d lived.  Why I lived.  Why I was here and what was important.  Truly important.  For me, it stopped being about fancy food that I’m supposed to like or lo-cal offerings that keep me healthy or something poetic and ethereal in my final hours.   It’s about how I loved.  Whom I loved.   And more importantly, how they loved me.  Soothed me.  Comforted me.  And how, in those last moments, I could feel their love through the food I’d chosen.

 In choosing a last meal, we’re trying to catch lightning in a bottle.  We want to capture a moment where love dripped down our chin like a ripe strawberry and happiness warmed us like the sun on our backs during a picnic on a summer’s day.  We want to remember the Christmas dinner where the candles glowed and the laughter came easy. 

            In those last moments it’s about what makes us utterly and beautifully unique.  The luxuries we’ve denied ourselves and the simple meals that we’ve long forgotten become everything.  The Mac-n-Cheese from the blue box that only your mom could make.  The bean and cheese burrito that tasted perfect every time.  The red popsicle you finally finagled and luxuriated in while sitting on the curb as the street lights came on. 

            These foods are about memories.  Memories of when we felt safe.  Memories of when we were comforted by someone who knew exactly what we needed and presented it to us on that same tin plate with the bright red cherries painted on it. 

            These foods remind us of home.  

            But, home can be complicated.   So, we try to run from our pasts, not realizing that our denial of who we are and where we came from erases both the good and the bad.  We bargain that it’s worth it – the bad hurts too much and the good was fleeting anyway. 

            But, the senses shoot us back into those moments: Smelling a perfume, hearing a song, and tasting a meal. Experiencing these sensations that made us happy can reanimate a long dead memory.    Whether we want to or not. 

What I realized is that I’d spent too long away from these things that matter just as Queenie had done.  Running from home, running from these memories and most importantly, running from the food that truly reminds us who we really are and not who we think we should be. 

Nowhere but Home is a book about what matters and the realization that it’s the good, the bad and the ugly of our own histories that make us who we are, whether we like it or not. 

The recipe won’t turn out unless you add all of the ingredients.  

Do you know what your last meal would be? 

Building North Star, Texas

My fifth novel, Nowhere but Home, takes place in the fictional North Star, Texas.  But, the fictional North Star was based on the very real - and delightful - Smithville, Texas.

When I began looking for a town to hunker down in for some writing and researching, I zeroed in pretty quickly on the Texas Hill Country.  It was perfect.  The German roots, the rolling hills, the dancehalls, the painted churches and the food.  Sigh... the food. It's magnificent.

It was one of my Step-Dad's friends who turned me onto Smithville - he'd heard good things about it.  Said they'd filmed Hope Floats there.  That's all I needed.  IN.

I went to Austin first and hung out with a coupla friends there for about a week.  It was amazing.  In just that week I saw the Melvins play in a dank basement, Miranda Lambert at a beautiful river venue and watched as couples scooted around a honky tonk tight in each other's arms.

(the building inspiration for Merry Carole's hair salon, Too Hot to Handle)

I then hopped in my rental and drove about 100 miles outside of Austin and into Smithville.  What I learned rather quickly was that Smithville was even too small for the what I needed.  So, North Star has bits of neighboring La Grange in its inspiration, as well.  

(this beautiful church is in the middle of La Grange... and North Star)

(the coffeeshop in La Grange that was the inspiration for The Place Around the Corner that's actually 15 miles down the road.  I tucked in at Latte on the Square day after day reading the entire Dragon Tattoo trilogy and people watching.)

I checked in to the Katy House, my lovely B&B (where Brad Pitt and Sean Penn had been just weeks earlier filming Tree of Life, not for nothing.)   

(the lovely Katy House in Smithville, TX)

The Katy House became the inspiration for Hudson Bishop's picturesque accomodations in neighboring Evans.  Breakfasts around a communal table eating something called a Dutch Baby, talk of working on the railroad, and on my final night - the owners allowed me to join them at the super secret, locals-only restaurant that became the inspiration for Delfina's Place in Nowhere but Home.  I still think about that meal from time to time.  Sighhhh.  

It was summer, so I left just before football season started in earnest, but the pride around town was impossible to ignore.  

(these tigers were out in front of businesses and homes.  This became the inspiration for the Stallion Battalion in the book)

With my glasses fogged over, the cicadas singing and daily trips to the DQ, I soaked in as much as I could.  I wanted to do this beautiful locale justice.  

If you ever find yourself in the Texas Hill Country, I highly recommend a stop over in this delightful town.  They couldn't have been more accomodating and lovely. 

The Music of Nowhere but Home

The music of Nowhere but Home still makes me sigh.  

Here are the songs that are either mentioned in Nowhere but Home or that I used as inspiration during the writing.  

And these pictures?  Of the food?  Yeah.. that's the Number One - the infamous meal of the Wake women of North Star, Texas.  I was tasked to make it for The Secret Ingredient - it was embarassingly emotional for me.  I'd been writing about The Number One and living inside North Star, Texas for so long... and then there it was:  wafting up from the dinner table.  

Food and music - bringing back memories whether we like it or not.  

The Nowhere but Home Mixtape

Raise Hell - Brandy Carlile

Highway Man - The Highwaymen (Nelson, Jennings, Kristofferson and Cash)

A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash

You and Tequila - Kenny Chesney and Grace Potter

I Fall to Pieces - Patsy Cline

The House that Built Me - Miranda Lambert

Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood

New York City's Killing Me - Ray LaMontagne and the Pariah Dogs

Till I Gain Control Again - Emmylou Harris

You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man - Loretta Lynn

No One Else on Earth - Wynonna Judd

Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

I'm Movin' On - Rascal Flatts

Jolene - Dolly Parton

Love Lives On - Mallory Hope

Hearts in Armor - Trisha Yearwood

*And I Feel Alright by Steve Earle 

(but, I couldn't get it into MP3 form, so... just hum it in homage.  It's awesome.)

ENJOY!

The 9 Best Pieces of Advice I've Ever Gotten*

1.  HAVE OTHER WRITERS IN YOUR LIFE

• The isolation of writing tends to catch one off guard 
• With all the voices in our heads, it's hard sometimes to remember we haven't talked to an actual person in days
• Having other writers in your life is essential.  
• Someone who understands this life and won't give you advice that works everywhere else but in publishing. 
• You've got to find the others. 

• BUT!   
• They have to be writers who are rooting for you – as you are for them.
• A writer friend who is not happy for your successes is really no friend at all.

(a writer friend who isn't happy for you?  Is like that meat layer there in Rachel's trifle.  All the ladyfingers and homemade custard in the world, won't cover up the fact that they wish you ill)

2 .    IT DOESN’T GET EASIER, YOU GET BETTER

•  Publishing is always going to be how it is – a tantrumming toddler always forgetting what you just gave it, crying, laughing...

• Publishing does not get better when…
• You get a book deal
• When you get two book deals
•  When you hit a list
• When you get something optioned
• When you get something made
•  When they ask you to speak at that one conference.
•  When you have enough money in the bank

• By thinking it’s something external (read: publishing), we give over control of our happiness, fulfillment and celebration. 
• Writing -- and the reason you started writing - is where happiness, fulfillment and celebration are rooted.
• You must steady yourself from the inside.

3.   SAY YES AND FIGURE IT OUT LATER

• I read this in a magazine article about Tina Fey however many eons ago. That this was the best piece of advice she ever got. And I must say, it’s turned out to be mine as well.
•  Our understanding of what it is we do is way more narrow than it should be. 
• We speak of other people pigeonholing us and yet we’re the biggest culprits of doing just that

•  We have this mythology of what it is we’re good at. What is in our wheelhouse and what we think we’re “known for.”
• You are not your genre. 
• You are your voice.
• Your voice can transcend any genre
• If someone asks you to do or try something you think is outside your comfort zone, just say yes. It might be the thing that changes your stars.

4.    

EVER TRIED

EVER FAILED

NO MATTER

TRY AGAIN.

TRY AGAIN.

FAIL BETTER.

---Samuel Beckett

5.   DANIEL DAY LEWIS WILL NEVER PLAY JAMES BOND

•  Daniel Day Lewis is arguably one of the best actors of all time.
•  He will never be cast as James Bond                                       
•     No matter how good an actor he is.
• The lesson?  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how good your writing is – it’s still not what they're looking for. 
• However, there is a fine line between knowing when your writing isn't right for the line or imprint and thinking your prose is akin to silver threaded angel whispers and should be cradled in the arms of a thankful audience. 
• Meaning, could your writing need another pass?  
• Know the difference

6.    FOLLOW THE FEAR

•  This quote is by the fabulous Bobette Buster during her insanely good Do Lecture entitled, Can You Tell Your Story. (That's like 25 minutes - and it's aamaazzing.
•   She states that all stories are about watching someone become fully alive or the living dead. 
• And where that decision is made – the pivotal moment of your story - is what we know as "the dark night of the soul."
•  How do you get to the dark night of the soul?  You follow their fear.  
• The choice our character makes is the one they resist, and that will set them free.
• Follow the fear to lead you to what that choice is and that will lead you to what their dark night of the soul would be. 

7.  GO DIRECTLY TO THE BAR

• Joan Collins was once asked what to do if to ease the anxiety of arriving at a party by yourself
• She said to go directly to the bar.  
• It gives you something to do (an errand, if you will) and it gives you time to get acclimated to the surroundings.
• You also get a drink, so...

8.     YOU DON’T WIN BY PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING YOU’RE NOT

•  I read this Malcolm Gladwell piece in the New Yorker based on his new novel, David and Goliath: The Triumph of the Underdog. 
•   In the Biblical story of David and Goliath, David initially put on armor, a helmet and a sword: he was going to fight Goliath on Goliath’s terms.
• But then he stopped. “I cannot walk in these, for I am unused to it,” he said and picked up those five stones.
•  What happens when the underdog acknowledges their weakness and then chooses and unconventional strategy?
• They win.
• So why fight like Goliath?  IT’S EASIER.
• Davids must work harder than Goliaths. 
• They will challenge the conventions of how things are supposed to be done. 
• " The price that the outsider pays for being so heedless of custom is, of course, the disapproval of the insider."

9.   JUST LET MELLIE BE MELLIE

• This is Olivia Pope.  She is from the show, Scandal.  She wears the most beauiful white clothes and gives powerful speeches, usually while drinking coffee. 
• She is a hero. 
• She's one of the best female characters on television - hands down

(olivia and fitz: the couple everyone is rooting for, but realllly shouldn't be)

• Olivia has a racy past with the President of the United States.
• Much to the chagrin of the First Lady, Mellie. 

(mellie in prime mellie form)

• At one point, shit goes down and Olivia and the President's Chief of Staff are on the outs with the President. 
• Mellie takes this opportunity to worm her way into the President's good graces. 
• The Chief of Staff laments this turn of events to Olivia and wonders what they can do to get Mellie out and them back in to the Oval Office. 
• Olivia simply says, "Just let Mellie be Mellie." 
• People are who they are.  They're not hiding their true colors... for long. 
• You may know someone who is terrible or untalented or not deserving of their success, but constantly wonder why no one else seems to know this (or just isn't talking.)
• Just let Mellie will be Mellie.  
• The truth will out.  
• Another way of saying this is from Sun Tzu's book, The Art of War:
• “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.”

As with all writing advice, you should take what you need and leave the rest.  No one way works and all of this is just here if you need it.  If you're having your own personal literary dark night of the soul, hopefully one of these pieces of advice can help you out of the quicksand... even for just a moment.  

*I was lucky enough to present this at the March, 2013 meeting of the OCC/RWA.  Thank you so much for having me, guys.  

Shut up and be happy.

It's been an interesting few weeks.  I described last Monday as my Sad Tuba Day. Not bad.  Not good. Just...

I then coined the phrase:

MEH-VMENT:  noun (mev - ment) 1)  The act or process of moving with an underlying vibe of MEH.  2) change of place or posture kinnnnnnda.  3) Oh, it's progress it just feels interminable. 

January and February were very serious, thinking, moving, assessing, writing, absorbing and and and and and... until I finally looked up and realized I'd forgotten what having fun really looked like.  I hadn't seen a movie since Silver Linings Playbook (which was awesome) and I hadn't made time for just having fun. Taking in beauty.  Art.  Live music.  Being outside without the constant commentary of exercise and whatever deep thought I'd pinned to the simple action of a lovely walk. 

How about I just get off the train.  How about I look at a piece of art and try not to have an entire journal entry about how it affected me and what it realllllly meant?  How about I just shut up and try being happy.

I'm doing a ton of research on Last Meals right now and it keeps choking me up because what people say about how they want their last moments to be?  It's beautiful.  And I thought...why is it that we only allow ourselves that level of beauty in our last moments?  I know it's about fear of gluttony and you can't have foie gras every day and if you save it, it's special - but not as much as we think, is what I'm getting.  I think there's still a 'pain purifies' thread in our communal sweaters, if you know what I mean. 

For me?  I'm going to start just shutting up and being happy. Laughing.  Taking in beauty.  Being outside without my Nike App that tells me how fast I'm going.  

There's no catastrophic consequence to me being happy.  I think that's the idea, right?  You're blissfully smiling as you ride your bike down a country lane, BOOM, a car slams into you out of nowhere.  I think we think that to be sensible is to be pragmatic and that experiencing life with our whole hearts is foolish. To be vulnerable in front of a piece of beautiful art is to be ignorant to what looms around the corner.  

Well, that's bullshit.

Get outside and play.